What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 00:21
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We all went to grammer schools
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So, i spoilt her more .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
What was your most embarrassing and humiliating bare bottom spanking?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
What is the gayest experience you have seen in prison?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
This is soul school!.
Who then, do I blame.?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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One cannot live in the past .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I write beautiful poetry .
Why are women attracted to ugly guys?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
What is the opposite personality type of someone with ASPD (antisocial personality disorder)?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why do people stop working towards achieving their dreams?
All the time i was locked up.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But, we were locked up after school.
Will Canadians still buy American products?
I waited trembling.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She loved him until the end.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She wouldn,t have been !
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We were not on the streets..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Comes on , in middle age.
Would this be the day?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
It was going to be , some day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
What did i know ?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He knew the spot.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So whats the point in blame.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She married twice! .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was 9 years of age.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She found it foreign!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Was to survive, this bastard.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I don,t even have a pension.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My family never makes their pension either.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Ive learnt so much.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My life is so biszare .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And i lived it daily.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But it wasn’t much.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I think the readers, may guess!
I have no regrets .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Put me off passion for life!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I will be 64.
I said to her
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im still living with it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She was in good health!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I couldn’t, believe it.
When she asked me how she looked .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was scared of men, in general
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was seconnd youngest,
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was very sick at this time too.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.